Review Roast: The Fish House Smelled Like Fish

The fish house smelled like fish.

Sit with that for a second, because somebody did. Then they wrote it down, and then they gave the place one star. This is the third Review Roast, and I think we just found the summit!

Same rules as always. Every review is real, quoted word for word and linked. Nobody gets named. I roast the gripe, never the griper, and then I file a counter-complaint for a place I love.

Exhibit A: The fish house smelled like fish

A one-star review of Star Fish Company in Cortez starts with the line to order, points out that "there is no table service", and saves the big one for the last sentence: "there was a nasty rotted fish smell smelly on the dock depending on the direction of the breeze."

"Smell smelly" is working very hard and I respect it. But it's a fish market. On a dock. In a fishing village. There is no direction that breeze can blow that doesn't lead back to fish!

Counter-complaint filed. Star Fish says on its own site that fish are filleted right at the market and most of its seafood is caught locally in Cortez waters, then served at a dockside table looking out at Sarasota Bay. And Cortez is, per the village's preservation group, Florida's oldest working commercial fishing village, settled in the 1880s, where fish still come off the boats every day. That smell isn't a flaw. It's a receipt! Order at the counter, find a seat on the dock and eat a grouper that was swimming very recently.

Exhibit B: Too much science at the science aquarium

A one-star review of Mote SEA, the big new aquarium at Nathan Benderson Park, comes in as a short list of grievances. My two favorites: "Too many touch tanks." And the closer: "Wasted space on so called research areas."

So-called! The place is run by Mote Marine Laboratory. The research is in the name. That's ordering the grouper sandwich and complaining there's grouper on it.

And too many touch tanks? I have been near children my entire life. I have never once heard one say that.

Counter-complaint filed. Mote has been doing marine science since 1955, which makes it one of the oldest marine research labs in Florida. Those "so called research areas" at Mote SEA are windows into five working labs, including an aquaculture lab, a coral lab and a veterinary clinic, where students help Mote scientists with real research while you watch. Planning a visit? It's open 9:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. daily with timed entry every 30 minutes and free parking, so book ahead on weekends. Then touch every tank. All of them!

Exhibit C: The beach was made of rocks

A two-star review of Caspersen Beach in Venice arrived for shark teeth and left with notes. It opens: "OK, all the talk online about sharks teeth is just that talk." Then the sand gets its own review: "First off this is not sand it's more like finely ground up rocks not easy on your feet." Then it recommends a beach a little farther south, which has "still crappy sand but much more teeth."

I adore this. They disliked the sand so much they reviewed the sand at a second beach, inside the first review, while recommending it!

Here's the thing about those "ground up rocks." That's kind of the whole point of the place.

Counter-complaint filed. Venice calls itself the Shark Tooth Capital of the World, and its visitor bureau explains why: the coast sits on a fossil layer 18 to 35 feet deep, and storms and waves keep pushing those fossils into the shallows and up onto the beach. The crunchy stuff under your feet is the treasure chest. Bring a sifter (the screened basket on a handle that Venice calls the "Venice Snow Shovel") and scoop at the edge where the waves break. One heads-up before you go: Caspersen is walk-in or bike-in only right now, with no vehicle parking or restrooms, so Sarasota County says to come in from South Brohard Park. Wear water shoes and the rocks become a fun texture!

The verdict

The fish house smelled like fish. The laboratory did lab things. The fossil beach was full of fossils. Every complaint this week is a place doing exactly what it says on the sign, and honestly, that's the most Suncoast thing I've ever read.

Planning the week? Sandy has the whole calendar in Coming This Week, and the Halloween Finder sorts every trunk-or-treat and haunted walk by night.

Seen a gloriously petty review of a place you love? Send it my way. I'll bring the counter-complaint forms and a clothespin!

— Marina