Review Roast: The Gulf Was Too Warm and the Sandwich Was Too Big

Some people read online reviews to decide where to eat. I read the one-star ones for fun, like a bowl of kettle corn! And friends, Sarasota's grumpiest corners of the internet did not disappoint.

Today I'm filing official counter-complaints. Nobody's getting named, and I'm roasting the gripe, not the griper. These are all real, and I linked every one.

Exhibit A: The Gulf was too warm

A one-star review of Siesta Beach calls the water, and I quote, "water is like a hot bath.. terrible."

Terrible! A warm bath! With a view! Honey, people pay spas good money for this. Same review also admits "Oh yes, the sand will not burn your feet.." and I have to say, that's the most grudging compliment I've ever read. Somebody hand me a napkin, I'm tearing up!

Counter-complaint filed. Sarasota County says that sand is nearly 100% quartz crystal and "never gets hot", with 950 free parking spaces and lifeguards on duty 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. every day. And Tripadvisor named Siesta the No. 1 beach in the U.S. for 2025. Hot bath, cool sand. That's a spa day, sweetie!

Exhibit B: The vultures were judging us

Tucked into a two-star camping review of Myakka River State Park (most of the stars went down over a broken bathhouse, which, fair!) is this gem about the local birds: "You are able to walk right up to a large group of them and they just stare at you."

Yes. That's a vulture's whole job description! Sit, stare, wait for lunch. Honestly, same.

It gets better: "We even heard several make a woofing noise." Totally legit, by the way! Cornell's All About Birds says black vultures make grunts that "can sound like hungry pigs or dogs barking in the distance." You didn't get a bad campsite. You got a free nature documentary!

Counter-complaint filed. Myakka covers more than 37,000 acres along Florida's first state-designated wild and scenic river. The wildlife lives there. We're the guests.

Exhibit C: The sandwich was too big

This is my favorite one, because it's my beat! A two-star review of Yoder's, Sarasota's Amish comfort-food institution, reports: "I had the pot roast sandwich, it was huge; had 3 meals from it."

THREE MEALS! Out of ONE sandwich! The review was cranky about the $18.95 price tag, but I did the math on a napkin and that's about $6.32 a meal for slow-cooked pot roast. That's not a complaint, that's a meal-prep plan!

Counter-complaint filed. Yoder's has been feeding Sarasota since 1975, and its own history page promises "a culture of hearty portions." Too big was the plan all along! Save room for pie. They've made over a million of them.

The verdict

The Gulf was warm. The birds were curious. The sandwich kept going. Suncoast, you really are too much, and I wouldn't change a thing!

Seen a gloriously petty review of a place you love? Send it my way. I'll bring the counter-complaint forms and a fork!

— Marina